When Love Hurts

There’s a silent truth that many survivors of incest carry deep inside: not all wounds reopen because of violence—some reopen through love that doesn’t feel safe.

For those of us who have lived through the devastation of incestuous abuse, our inner world is shaped by betrayal. And sometimes, we don’t realize we’ve been retraumatized until we’re already bleeding emotionally, wondering why love hurts so much.

Retraumatization doesn’t always come in the form of blatant harm. Often, it’s subtle. It shows up in the silence after an argument. In the pressure behind a kiss. In the way your “no” is negotiated, ignored, or punished.

Let’s talk about it—because naming the patterns is part of breaking free.

Here are 10 partner traits that can retrigger or retraumatize someone healing from incest:

Disrespect for Boundaries

When you’ve had your body, voice, and choices taken from you—consent becomes sacred. So when a partner…

• Pressures for intimacy before you’re ready
• Dismisses your “no” like it’s optional
• Crosses emotional or physical limits you’ve expressed

…it reawakens the helplessness you once felt. It tells your nervous system, “You don’t have a say again.”

That is not love. That is danger dressed up as desire.

Emotional Abandonment

Many of us grew up loving people who left us—physically, emotionally, spiritually. So when a partner…

• Shuts down during conflict
• Disappears for days after vulnerability
• Gives affection like it’s a reward system

…it recreates the abandonment wound. You’re left chasing emotional scraps, reliving a childhood where your needs made people disappear.

Manipulation, Gaslighting, or Control

This one is especially triggering. Incest survivors were often groomed to doubt their reality.

So when a partner…

• Twists your words
• Blames your trauma for their behavior
• Uses guilt or fear to steer the relationship

…it feels like being trapped in the web all over again—questioning your sanity while trying to love someone who keeps moving the goalposts.

Sexual Entitlement

Sex should be a sanctuary. But for survivors, it can feel like a battlefield if your partner…

• Acts entitled to your body
• Pouts, withdraws, or pressures when you say no
• Doesn’t check in about your safety or consent

Even subtle coercion can send your body into shutdown mode. That’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your body remembers what being used felt like.

Uncontrolled Anger or Volatility

When a partner explodes in rage—slams doors, throws things, yells—you don’t just flinch. You regress.

• You’re five again, trying not to breathe too loud.
• You’re calculating if love will cost you today.

No one should live in a home where they walk on eggshells. Not again. Not ever.

Dishonesty and Secrecy

Incest is wrapped in silence. Secrets. Gaslighting. Lies.

So when a partner…

• Lies about where they were
• Hides messages “to avoid conflict”
• Minimizes or denies your concerns

…it rips open that old wound: “I knew something was wrong, but no one believed me.” That kind of betrayal doesn’t just sting—it shatters.

Minimizing or Dismissing the Trauma

If your partner ever says…

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “That was a long time ago.”
• “You need to stop living in the past.”

…they are reinforcing the very silencing that kept you imprisoned. Your trauma isn’t a mood. It’s a wound. And invalidation just adds another layer of shame on top of what you’re already trying to carry.

Codependence or Emotional Over-Reliance

Some partners don’t demand your body, but they demand your soul.

• They want you to regulate their emotions
• They collapse when you set boundaries
• They make you their therapist, mother, and savior

Many survivors already grew up emotionally parenting the adults who harmed them. That wasn’t fair then. And it’s not fair now.

Power Imbalances

Healthy love is built on equality. But retraumatizing love looks like:

• One person making all the decisions
• Using money, logic, or status to dominate
• Acting superior, patronizing, or possessive

For a survivor, power without consent triggers terror. It’s not about being “too sensitive.” It’s about your body recognizing the imbalance as familiar—and dangerous.

Mocking or Fetishizing the Trauma

This one cuts deep.

• Making “jokes” about abuse
• Comparing you to porn or past partners
• Getting turned on by your pain or boundaries

It’s not edgy. It’s not sexy. It’s a form of violation. Survivors often struggle to reclaim their bodies—mockery and fetishization undo that progress in seconds.

The Bottom Line:

Incest wasn’t just about the physical act—it was about being silenced, controlled, invalidated, and betrayed.

So any partner dynamic that echoes those conditions will feel like walking back into the house you barely escaped from.

That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you wise. Your trauma responses are your body’s way of saying: “I’ve been here before, and I won’t let it happen again.”

You deserve more than love that hurts.

You deserve safe love. Love that listens. Love that respects. Love that says, “You are not too much—and you never were.”

Because healing love doesn’t trap you—it sets you free.