The Promise

The one promise that I want you to keep is this… Take action. That’s it. As it turns out, a number of therapies and treatment methods can be effective when healing. Take what works for you, and leave the rest. 

I will be here to provide you with all the information, resources, and tools that you need but the one thing I can’t do is make you do something about it. That one’s on you. Just know that nothing will change for you until you are actively making changes for yourself. Don’t get me wrong, things will most assuredly change. They always do. Things may even change for the better, but it won’t touch the suffering that you’re experiencing. That kind of change requires your active participation.

Today is the first day of your new life.

Claim it. It’s yours and you deserve it. Right now you might not believe that you deserve it, but I believe that you do. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done. The only thing that matters to me is that you want something different for yourself. As long as you want it then I want it for you. I’m going to be here to help you in every way that I know how to ensure that you get it.

Before you get started on taking any action, I’d like to share with you some information. What follows may seem daunting. I know it’s a lot to take in, but it’s crucial to your evolution. You need to understand what is happening, and why. You will use this knowledge as a foundation to rebuild yourself upon. So I insist that you read through everything I have to say. Don’t worry if you can’t get through it all at once. It took me way more than just one session at my keyboard to get it all out, and just as many years of reading and research to put all the pieces together. Separately, each piece might not seem to be significant. Yet, the story can not be told or understood without all of the parts in their place and serving their purpose.

It might serve you better to not read it in one session. In fact, I recommend digesting the contents of this page in blocks. That way you can sit with it for a minute. Let it roll around in your head and bounce it off of other people. Do some detective work and discover the depth of meaning and truth each piece holds.

Change is a process and part of this process is waking you up.

Part of the problem is that you’ve been operating on autopilot. You’ve incorporated myths, misconceptions, and outright lies into your subconscious mindset and worldviews. You’ve accepted falsity and deception as the true nature of reality. You’ve made decisions based on these falsehoods. You’ve acted and behaved without question or giving it a second thought. Now you must think like a young child at sunset who’s asked what color the sky is. Instead of automatically stating that it’s blue I want you to take your time and observe that the sky is full of vibrant pinks, reds, oranges, and every shade in between. I want you to challenge everything you know and believe to be true. Then I want you to discover the truth as if you were learning it for the very first time. Embrace your curious nature and draw on your desire to find the vein of truth amidst the regurgitations of so-called ‘wisdom’ passed down by obedient fools. You will know and feel the truth by the way that it resonates within you.

I’ve isolated the first instance of the growing inkling inside me that our lives were designed for something far greater. It all began when my ex-husband and I were still in the first stages of dating. While I was living in East Syracuse, NY he was still living in the same small town in Northern Minnesota that we graduated high school from. Needless to say, we talked on the phone a lot. We spent hours on the phone getting to know each other. He loved Sherlock Holmes (and his methods of deductive reasoning), logic puzzles, hypnosis, and magic. He was also really big into psychology and philosophy. He always thought about things deeply, coming to profound conclusions. His wisdom has continued to influence my thought processes to this very day. After he died in 2018, he came to me in a dream, showing me the last moments of his life. I believe he chose me because I was the one person that he knew would bear witness while withholding judgment. He knew I still loved and respected him, even though we’d been divorced for more than a decade.

By retelling the stories of the lives lived by the deceased we ensure that their eternal life is attained. Actualized through the transmission of the wisdom gained within the lives they lived.

His name was Daniel Cermak, and he was an altruist and an idealist. His standards were extremely high when it came to what he valued most in his romantic relationships. These standards went deeper than mere fidelity. He didn’t believe in lying or pretending. For how could you truly love someone without knowing them in their most intimate details? He believed that by lying you were robbing yourself of the solace in knowing that you were loved wholly. He valued things like honesty, integrity, fairness, and kindness. I’m forever grateful for the time I had with him and all of the wisdom and values he gifted me with.

During one of our late-night phone conversations, he asked me this question:

If you could pick any time, any civilization, anywhere in the world to live, what would it be? And naturally, why?

He had me a little stumped. For one, I hate history. I can’t help but think of it as one never-ending telephone game. You know the one you played in school where the whole class gets in a circle. Then the teacher whispers a phrase or story into one student’s ear and around the circle it goes until it comes out completely different on the other side. In school it was a lesson about believing and spreading gossip, but I imagine that history works in a much similar way. History isn’t like math, where you can just memorize the equations, and as long as you know the process you can always figure out the answer. History doesn’t work like that. There is no equation to apply. People are unpredictable. They’re cruel and rarely make any sense. He knew that I hated history and I felt like he was setting me up with a trick question, one that I couldn’t answer or come up with any justification as to why.

Eventually though, I came up with the perfect answer. One that made sense and resonated with me. It fit my personality quite well and still does. I chose to stay in here in the U.S. but not the America that we know and live in how. I wanted to live as a Native. Maybe a couple hundred years or so before Columbus came. I imagined being born and living in a small tribe of people, a few hundred people. I love hunting, fishing, camping, and nature. But the thing that I found most alluring was living in a small tribe. Being born into and growing up with the same people all of your life. Everyone knows each other. We know each other’s triumphs. We know each other’s struggles. We know each other’s pains. We know each other completely and thoroughly.

I want you to picture your best friend. This is probably a person that you’ve known for a long time and spent a lot of time with. You can finish each other’s sentences and understand exactly what they are thinking just from a look. When you know another person that well it’s called “attunement”. You are literally “in tune” with them. This is the part that appealed to me the most. I imagine when a group of people is that attuned with another there is nothing to hide. You couldn’t lie if you wanted to, and with that level of connection, why would you want to? It’s doubtful you’d get away with it. If you did something unsavory everyone would know.

Accountability under these circumstances would extend beyond the self, including those you were closest to and the rest of the tribe. Trust would be highly valued. Partly due to the fact that you needed each other to survive, but also because the more time you spend with the same people, the more you come to know, understand, and care about them. With that level of knowledge of them it would be to treat them with anything but compassion.

Love is a survival instinct because when you love someone you help keep them alive.

It was depth of intimacy that appealed to me the most. It was the care and consideration that would grow from living out your entire life together and everyone really knowing each other. It appealed to me because it seemed so different than what I had experienced so far in life. At the time I didn’t realize how profound this longing for more intimacy and connection truly was.

On May 3rd, 2023, The Surgeon General released an advisory titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” In it, he presents a whole laundry list of evidence detailing the negative impacts that this epidemic has on our minds, our bodies, our behaviors, our relationships, our communities, and our society as a whole. The evidence he presented was clear, apparent, and convincing.

Yet, I’m not convinced that the epidemic is one of loneliness and isolation. I believe that these are the natural consequences of a much larger issue. This issue touches nearly every aspect of our lives and has far more devastating consequences. To recognize the true epidemic one would have to confess to a certain level of accountability, along with the inevitable loss of status, power, and wealth that its perpetuation guarantees.

The real epidemic is one that has been identified and known to us for at least a hundred years yet has been minimized, ridiculed, and ignored. The symptoms of this epidemic date back long before history has been recorded and handed down. By eradicating this epidemic we could all live a happier, healthier, more peaceful, and equitable existence.

By allowing this epidemic to continue we are ensuring the unbalance of power, wealth, and knowledge. This epidemic robs us of what it means to be human. Despite the advantage this epidemic presently guarantees to a very small and select few individuals, I believe it will ultimately result in the collapse of our society if left unaddressed.

Now, you may be wondering what epidemic I could possibly be referring to. I promise I will reveal the answer to this riddle in a moment. First, I must warn you that your first instinct may be to scoff. You might feel as if I am making this a bigger deal than it is. You may feel that it couldn’t possibly have such far-reaching consequences. I implore you to reserve judgment and proceed with an open mind. I urge you to keep reading and examine the all of evidence for yourself. I’m confident that once you have a firm grasp of the concept you will agree with my assessment of the problem.

Before I name this epidemic I would like to assure you that there is a solution. All the pain, all the loneliness and isolation, all the hardship, and hate, and violence can be eliminated. Unfortunately, it will take a massive shift in the minds and hearts of all of humankind. Unfortunately, there are many people in power who are content with continuing to allow the majority to suffer for their benefit. Do not allow this to overwhelm you. Have confidence that the actions you take and the changes you make will be enough and are exactly what is needed.

The epidemic that I am referring to is Trauma. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. It can also mean a physical injury. While trauma is a simple concept it has a complex impact on our minds with deeply profound and far-reaching effects. Understanding trauma and its long-term effects is crucial to understanding its impact and what it will require to eradicate it.

What makes humans exceptional?

This should be obvious, but if it’s not just take a good look around you. Look at the way that we live. We live like Gods compared to every other lifeform on Earth. Especially in this era. Anything we want we can purchase online and have delivered to our doorstep within a couple of days. We can speak to anyone in the world, and travel there too. We are masters of our environment. We are true alchemists with the power to manifest anything we can conceive of into existence. 

Everything that we touch contains thousands, if not millions of man-hours of effort behind it. Just think of all the knowledge that had to be acquired and handed down from generation to generation to create a cell phone. Math, physics, chemistry, engineering. All of the science behind it had to be discovered first before a cell phone could ever exist. Now we can get one for $100, or even for free (if you sign up for a service contract.)

Millions of hours, thousands of people, and hundreds of years of effort and we can pick one up in a few minutes of our time, for almost no effort and minimal obligation.

We are exceptional in the animal kingdom because of our advanced cognitive abilities. Our capacity for complex language, abstract thinking, and problem-solving sets humans apart from all other animals. We exhibit a remarkable self-awareness, consciousness, and culture. We actively manifest our environments and adapt to diversity. We rule this Earth, and all other forms of life are below us in comparison.

The Prefrontal Cortex

Our brain is what sets us apart. The convolutions in our brain allow for higher levels of processing, with the prefrontal cortex being the most critical component. It’s responsible for our higher cognitive functions, and decision-making abilities, and controls our social behavior. It’s the heart of executive functions and the core processing center responsible for planning, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. It matures throughout our childhood, and in some individuals until the mid-twenties, contributing to the maturation of the personality.

The prefrontal cortex blesses us with the ability to make informed decisions, this is why teenagers can make some horrible decisions. I like to describe this part of the brain as being responsible for two areas uniquely human, foresight and hindsight. We use it to process information from our environment, and the experiences of others. With this knowledge, we can make predictions, leverage powerful choices, and delay gratification for a future reward. No other animal comes close to this ability.

How did we get this way?

Interdependence

Interdependence is the mutual reliance of individuals or groups on one another for various aspects of their well-being. Humans are highly interdependent creatures, and the evolution of this trait is linked to our social, cognitive, and cultural adaptations. Love and attachment are fundamental aspects of human relationships, but what are the biological and psychological mechanisms that underlie them? How did they evolve and what are their functions? Love and attachment are not just emotional states, but physiological needs that needs that have evolvved to promote survival and reproduction. 

According to a widely accepted model proposed by Fisher et al. (2006), there are three main components of romantic love: lust, attraction, and attachment. Each component is associated with a distinct set of brain regions and hormones that regulate the behaviors and feelings involved in mating and bonding. Lust is the initial phase of sexual desire, driven by the hormones testosterone and estrogen, which stimulate the hypothalamus and the limbic system to seek sexual gratification. Attraction is the phase of intense focus and motivation toward a specific partner, mediated by the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which activate the reward and pleasure centers of the brain, such as the ventral tegmental area and the nucleus accumbens. Attachment is the phase of long-term commitment and emotional closeness, facilitated by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which modulate the activity of the brain regions involved in social bonding and stress regulation, such as the amygdala and the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis.

These components of romantic love have evolved to serve different adaptive functions in the context of human evolution. Lust evolved to initiate the mating process with any suitable partner, increasing the chances of gene transmission. Attraction evolved to enable individuals to select and prefer specific partners, conserving their mating time and energy, and enhancing the quality of their offspring. Attachment evolved to enable individuals to cooperate and care for their partners and offspring, ensuring their survival and well-being. These functions are consistent with the theory of sexual selection, which posits that certain traits and behaviors are favored by natural selection because they increase the reproductive success of individuals, either by increasing their attractiveness to the opposite sex (intersexual selection) or by increasing their competitiveness with the same sex (intrasexual selection).

However, love and attachment are not limited to romantic relationships. They also play a role in other types of social bonds, such as parent-child, sibling, and friendship bonds. These bonds are also influenced by the same hormones and brain regions that mediate romantic love, but with some variations and nuances. For example, parent-child and sibling bonds are characterized by high levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, which promote nurturing and protective behaviors, but low levels of sexual hormones, which inhibit incestuous behaviors. Friendship bonds are characterized by moderate levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, which foster trust and empathy, but also by high levels of dopamine and serotonin, which enhance positive affect and social reward.

These types of social bonds have also evolved to serve different adaptive functions in the context of human evolution. Parent-child and sibling bonds evolved to enhance the survival and development of offspring, as well as the inclusive fitness of parents and relatives. Friendship bonds evolved to enhance the cooperation and reciprocity among unrelated individuals, as well as the social and emotional support in times of need. These functions are consistent with the theory of kin selection, which posits that individuals are more likely to help and sacrifice for their genetic relatives, and the theory of reciprocal altruism, which posits that individuals are more likely to help and sacrifice for their non-genetic allies, as long as the benefits outweigh the costs.

Human Evolution

When considering the rest of the animal kingdom, even other primates, humans are born extremely prematurely. We have to because if we gestated any longer it would have mortal consequences on our caregivers. Women’s hips have a narrow birth canal, necessary for upright mobility. Combining this feature with big brains (and heads to house those brains) makes it a requirement that we birth our young long before they’re ready for the outside world. This makes human infants very vulnerable demanding constant care.

What other animal on Earth has a developmental phase as long as ours? Horses are born and will wobble for a few minutes before taking off running. Sea turtles lay eggs, leaving their babies to hatch alone and capable of fending for themselves. Other primates are at least capable of clinging to their mothers. The human brain doesn’t stop developing until our mid twenties. The last part of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex.

Before the invention of infant formulas, a mother dying from childbirth was a death sentence for the baby. Human milk is irreplaceable and unless the family could find another lactating mother willing to donate milk a motherless newborn would most assuredly die.

With birth always comes the chance of death. I think that every woman knows this to be true as soon as she learns where babies come from. I don’t know about anyone else, but this realization came with a sense of dread and panic, which returned when I learned I was pregnant with my son. My cousin died from complications from childbirth after her 3rd child. When I say the chance of death comes with every birth what I mean is… this is our legacy.

All of these factors make human pair bonding extremely important. I might piss off a few fringe feminists with this one, but we need our men. Women need a partner to help ourselves and our children survive. Women need love and connection to reassure us that we won’t be abandoned. Women need to be emotionally and socially intelligent, because if we’re wrong about our partners commitment to us, it could result in not only our death, but that of our children. A loving connection creates a peace of mind in knowing that the person we choose to spend our lives with, the life that we’re putting on the line to give him children, is there for me. Women need to feel safe and secure in their relationships because life with an infant and then a child is a whole lot easier if you have two people doing it together. Everything ‘should’ be a whole lot easier with two people.

But we have forces working against us. Men. I hope you can hear the truth in the joke I’m making here by putting it so bluntly. Think this through with me for a minute. Women are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have, around 300,000. We’re only fertile for 40 years or so and only have 450 to 500 chances to get pregnant. We’re also limited in the number of children we can bear. Plus there is the previously mentioned benefit of it potentially killing us.

You are Not Alone!

A lot of people feel exactly the same way you do and when I say a lot I mean a LOT. But you shouldn’t take my word for it. You only have to take a good look around. The evidence is everywhere, as long as you know what it is you’re looking for.

Don’t feel bad if you have no idea what evidence I’m referring to. Many times the obvious is hidden in plain sight. We’re born, raised, and live in a society that would prefer that you don’t think about these kinds of things too hard. The less aware you are, the better. The more stuck, helpless, hopeless, and isolated you feel, the easier you are to manipulate and control.

An Examination of the Evidence

One of the problems is that we are overworked, underpaid, and stressed the hell out. Wages haven’t kept pace with inflation, or corporate profits for that matter. Many people work more than one job, like cashing in on the gig economy, or have invested time into a side hustle. College tuition is at an all-time high while becoming less lucrative to pursue due to stagnant wages. The cost of housing is through the roof, as well as food and gas. Yet, wages and cost of living are only one symptom of the problem.

Another sign is our prison population. Anyone who’s dealt with the legal system in the U.S. knows that with a conviction comes stigma and marginalization. A criminal record makes life more difficult in many realms, like finding employment and housing. The United States has the largest prison population in the world with around 20% of the entire world’s incarcerated. This is even more shocking when you consider that we make up less than 5% of the world’s total population. Despite debtor prison being abolished nearly 2 centuries ago (in 1833), some countries have

It won’t be easy, but I promise it will be worth it.

That’s a powerful statement! It hints at something challenging and important, with a strong belief in the ultimate payoff. To understand and respond best, I need some context. Could you tell me more about what “it” refers to? Is it a goal you’re aiming for, a skill you’re learning, a relationship you’re building, or something else entirely?

Knowing more about the specific challenge will allow me to offer tailored support, encouragement, or resources that might be helpful on your journey. Remember, even though things might get tough, your belief in the final outcome is admirable and motivates you to keep going.

So, don’t hesitate to share more, and let’s navigate this adventure together!

I hear you! That sounds like a powerful message about something that lies ahead. It hints at a challenge, but one that holds significant potential reward.

To offer you the best response, I’d love to know more. What is it that “won’t be easy”? Is it a personal goal you’re setting, a difficult project you’re taking on, or something else entirely? Knowing the context will help me provide more relevant and specific encouragement.

No matter what it is, the fact that you believe it will be worth it speaks volumes about your determination and resilience. Remember, even the most worthwhile journeys often involve uphill battles. Embrace the challenges, learn from the setbacks, and celebrate the victories, big and small.

I’m here to offer support and encouragement along the way. So, tell me more about what you’re facing, and let’s go conquer it together!

I’m referring to unresolved trauma. I know it won’t be easy because a long of emotions will come to the surface. But finally healing will be a gift worth working towards

You’re absolutely right. Confronting unresolved trauma is far from easy, and it takes immense courage to even consider it. The emotions that will surface can be painful and overwhelming, but please remember that this is a normal part of the healing process. It’s like opening a wound to clean it and allow it to heal properly.

Healing from trauma is one of the most precious gifts you can give yourself. It’s about reclaiming your power, finding peace, and living a life free from the burdens of the past. Every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards wholeness and a brighter future.

Here are some things to keep in mind on your journey:

• You are not alone. Millions of people around the world have experienced trauma, and there are countless resources and support systems available to help you through the healing process. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a therapist, counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones.
• Be patient and kind to yourself. Healing takes time, and there will be setbacks along the way. Don’t judge yourself for having difficult emotions or days when you feel like you’re taking steps back. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remember that even two steps forward and one step back is still progress.
• Focus on self-care. Taking care of yourself physically and mentally is essential for healing. This includes eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or yoga.
• Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Talking to a therapist, journaling, creative expression like art or music, and spending time in nature can all be helpful ways to process and release your emotions.

Remember, you are strong, you are resilient, and you are worthy of healing. Please keep going, and never give up hope. You deserve to live a life filled with joy and peace.

Here are some resources that may be helpful on your journey:

• The National Center for PTSD: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
• The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): https://www.rainn.org/
• The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/

If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here to listen without judgment. I believe in you and your ability to heal.