Below is a list of characteristics, behaviors, and relational patterns that do not align with a survivor’s healing. Many of these traits mirror the incestuous abuser, not because you are intentionally abusive, but because trauma remembers patterns, not people.

Some traits may seem “normal” or insignificant to the average person, but when you love an incest survivor, the bar for safety is different.

If these traits fit you and you’re unwilling to work on them, the relationship will not just struggle,
it will retraumatize the survivor and end painfully for both of you.

This list is not here to shame you. It’s here to help you protect yourself and the survivor from predictable, preventable harm.

Emotionally Unavailable Partners

• Withhold affection, attention, or vulnerability
• Offer love inconsistently
• Shut down during emotional conversations
• Avoid closeness or intimacy
• Expect the survivor to “tone down” their emotional needs

This mirrors the emotional neglect survivors grew up with.

Partners Who Are Defensive Instead of Reflective

• Turn every concern into an argument
• Make the survivor feel “too sensitive”
• Misinterpret feedback as an attack
• Rarely take accountability
• Use blame to protect their ego

Defensiveness retraumatizes survivors who were punished for speaking up.

Partners Who Minimize, Mock, or Dismiss Trauma

• “It wasn’t that bad.”
• “You need to move on.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “You’re being dramatic.”
• “Stop making everything about trauma.”

This is emotional invalidation,  the same kind that kept the survivor silent as a child.

Unpredictable, Inconsistent, or Unreliable Partners

• Cancel plans frequently
• Disappear when stressed
• Withhold communication
• Switch from warm to cold without explanation
• Are inconsistent with affection, care, or presence

Inconsistency mirrors the chaos of the incestuous home.

Partners Who Avoid Effort, Responsibility, or Growth

• Believe love shouldn’t require change
• Refuse to learn about trauma
• Don’t want to adjust harmful habits
• Expect the survivor to adapt to them
• Resist therapy, self-reflection, or personal development

Survivors cannot heal with someone who refuses to grow.

Partners Who Weaponize the Survivor’s Vulnerability

• Bring up insecurities during conflict
• Use the survivor’s trauma as ammunition
• Mock their triggers or reactions
• Shame them for “being damaged”

This is reenactment of childhood powerlessness.

Partners Who Are Controlling, Possessive, or Jealous

• Demand access to the survivor’s private life
• Punish them for boundaries
• Expect constant reassurance
• Get angry when the survivor needs space
• Use guilt to maintain control

Survivors cannot heal in environments that replicate childhood coercion.

Partners Who Lack Empathy

• Struggle to imagine the survivor’s perspective
• Get annoyed by trauma responses
• Treat emotions as inconveniences
• Want connection without vulnerability
• Expect the survivor to “act normal”

Without empathy, intimacy becomes impossible.

Partners Who Cannot Regulate Their Emotions

• Explode during conflict
• Shut down for days
• Stonewall or disappear
• Use anger or withdrawal as manipulation
• Rely on the survivor to soothe them

Survivors cannot be emotional caretakers, they’ve done that their whole lives.

Partners Who Refuse to Examine Their Own Trauma

• Claim they’re “fine”
• Avoid therapy
• Repeat toxic family dynamics
• React instead of reflect
• Refuse to take responsibility for their triggers

Unhealed trauma + unhealed trauma = reenactment, not relationship.

If This Is You… Please Hear This Gently

You are not a villain. You are not “too damaged.” You are not beyond healing.

But if you read this and feel resistant, annoyed, dismissive, or unwilling to change — that’s your nervous system telling the truth:

You’re not ready for this kind of relationship.

And that is okay. Truly. There is no shame in that.

But the kindest thing, the most humane thing, you can do for yourself AND the survivor is to honor that truth and walk away before anyone gets hurt.

Survivors deserve safety. You deserve a relationship that matches your current level of capacity.

There is no failure in admitting you’re not prepared. Failure is pretending you are, while retraumatizing someone who has already survived enough.

And if you are ready to grow, heal, learn, and meet a survivor with presence and accountability?

Then loving them will change you in ways you didn’t know were possible.

Because survivors don’t need perfection.

They just need honesty.

They need safety.

They need a partner who chooses growth over ego, curiosity over defensiveness, presence over avoidance, and responsibility over excuses.

If you can offer that, there’s nothing more healing, more intimate, or more transformative than loving a survivor as they reclaim themselves.

And if you can’t, it is an act of love to say so.