The Lies Trauma Taught Me

Incest isn’t just a story about what happened to my body. It’s a story about what happened to my soul. To my heart. To the very foundation of how I saw the world — especially how I understood love, power, sex, trust, and my own worth. These beliefs, these core truths I thought I knew about myself and others, were shattered by betrayal so deep it shook me to my core. And the worst part? Many of these lies became so ingrained, so automatic, I didn’t even realize they were lies. They were survival adaptations — the only way my little self could stay alive inside the storm.

I want to say this upfront: If you’re reading this and you are a survivor, please know this—these distorted beliefs are not your fault. They were the cruel gifts trauma handed you to keep you breathing. But those gifts are heavy burdens now. They weigh down your spirit and keep you stuck in patterns of pain, shame, and isolation. Healing begins when we start to see these beliefs for what they truly are: lies we learned to survive.

Let’s walk together through the most common distorted core beliefs survivors carry about five areas that trauma attacks most deeply — love, power, sex, trust, and self-worth. I will also share the truths I’m learning to reclaim on my healing journey. If you want to heal, you must first name the lies. Naming them is the first step toward reclaiming your truth.

Love: When Love Feels Like Pain, Obligation, or Control

Incest teaches us that love is not safe. The person who was supposed to protect and cherish us became the one who hurt us most. This betrayal rewires our brain’s understanding of love in ways that confuse and trap us.

Distorted beliefs about love often look like this:

• Love equals pain or control. If someone loves me, it means they will hurt me or want to control me.
• Love comes with strings attached. If someone loves me, they want something from me, especially my body.
• I have to earn love by sacrificing my own needs. I must give up my voice, my boundaries, or my desires to be loved.
• Real love doesn’t exist for me. Love is a fantasy, or if it exists, it’s not meant for someone like me.

These beliefs trap survivors in painful cycles of feeling unworthy, unlovable, or perpetually at risk of being used or abandoned. We might stay in harmful relationships, confusing abuse or neglect for love because that’s what feels familiar. Or we push people away, afraid that anyone close will hurt us.

Truth to reclaim: Love is a sanctuary, not a battlefield. Love does not demand sacrifice of your dignity or safety. Real love nurtures and respects your boundaries. You are worthy of love that is free, kind, and safe.

Power: When Power Feels Like Danger or Shame

Incest robs survivors of their power in the most fundamental way—by taking their body and their voice. This experience teaches us early that power is dangerous, that having power means being punished, or that power is something others will use to silence or hurt us.

Common distorted beliefs about power include:

• Power is something others use to hurt or silence me.
• I must give up my power or pretend I have none to survive.
• If I speak up or assert myself, I will be punished or abandoned.
• Having power makes me unsafe, selfish, or “too much.”

These beliefs keep survivors small, invisible, and mute. We may have learned to shrink ourselves so deeply we don’t even know how to access our voice or presence anymore. We hide our needs, opinions, and boundaries, convinced that power is too risky to hold.

Truth to reclaim: Power is your birthright. Your voice, your boundaries, your needs—all of these are expressions of your power. Claiming your power does not make you selfish or dangerous. It makes you human. You are safe to take up space in this world.

Sex: When Sex Is Tied to Survival, Shame, or Danger

One of the most corrosive lies incest teaches is that sex is not a choice—it is something endured, traded, or feared. Survivors often wrestle with the idea that their bodies belong to others, that sex is the only way to feel seen or valued, or that their worth is tied to sexual availability.

Distorted beliefs about sex often sound like:

• My worth is tied to my sexual availability.
• Sex is the only way I can feel connection, love, or value.
• Sex is something I endure, not something I choose.
• Sex is dangerous, shameful, or something to fear and avoid.
• My body is not really mine—it’s for others to use.

These beliefs cause immense confusion and pain in adult relationships. Survivors may dissociate during intimacy, avoid sex entirely, or use sex compulsively to seek love or numb pain. Our bodies become battlegrounds of trauma, shame, and survival strategies rather than places of pleasure and connection.

Truth to reclaim: Your body is yours alone. Sex is a choice you make for yourself, not a demand placed on you by others. Your worth is not defined by your sexual history or availability. You deserve safety, respect, and joy in your body.

Trust: When Trust Feels Like Betrayal

Trust is the foundation of every relationship, but incest steals this foundation from survivors. When the very people who should protect us betray us, trust becomes a dangerous gamble. This shatters our ability to believe in others, ourselves, and the world around us.

Common distorted beliefs about trust include:

• No one is truly safe—not even people who say they love me.
• If I trust someone, I will get hurt, betrayed, or used.
• I can’t trust my own feelings, memories, or instincts.
• I must stay hypervigilant at all times to protect myself.

These beliefs keep survivors trapped in a state of hyperawareness and fear. We struggle to believe in others’ good intentions or even our own internal experiences. We may push people away before they can get close or become suspicious of anyone who tries.

Truth to reclaim: Trust is possible. It is a choice made slowly and carefully, but it is not impossible. Your feelings, memories, and instincts are valid and worthy of respect. You can learn to discern safety and build relationships that honor your boundaries.

Self-Worth: When You Believe You Are Broken Beyond Repair

Incest strikes at the heart of our sense of worth. The lies whispered through abuse convince survivors that they are dirty, broken, or unlovable. These beliefs often create a toxic internal narrative that keeps us stuck in shame and isolation.

Distorted beliefs about self-worth sound like:

• I am dirty, broken, or damaged beyond repair.
• If people really knew me, they would reject me.
• I don’t deserve love, safety, or happiness.
• It’s my fault—I must have caused or wanted the abuse.
• I am only valuable if I’m useful, quiet, or pleasing.

These beliefs silence our inner voice and convince us to settle for less than we deserve in relationships, work, and life. We may overwork ourselves to earn approval or hide our true selves out of fear of rejection.

Truth to reclaim: You are whole and worthy exactly as you are. Your trauma does not define you, nor does it diminish your value. You deserve love, safety, happiness, and respect simply because you exist.

Relationship Dynamics After Incest

Because of these distorted beliefs, many survivors develop complex and painful relationship patterns that feel normal but are unhealthy.

• Chaos, secrecy, and emotional unavailability feel normal because that’s what we lived with.
• Healthy relationships feel suspicious or unsafe.
• We may attach to people who can’t or won’t love us fully because that feels familiar.
• We try to “fix” or “save” others to prove our worth.

Recognizing these patterns is crucial because they keep us stuck in cycles of pain and disappointment. Healing means learning what healthy, safe, and loving relationships look like—and believing they are possible for us.

Why These Beliefs Aren’t Your Fault

Please hear me when I say: These distorted core beliefs are not flaws or moral failings. They are survival mechanisms — unconscious adaptations a terrified child made in a dangerous world. They kept you alive. They gave you a way to survive unspeakable pain and betrayal.

But now, as an adult, these survival beliefs keep you stuck. They influence your decisions about love, sex, power, trust, and how you see yourself in ways that cause suffering. The path forward is to become aware of these beliefs, question them, and slowly replace them with truths rooted in safety, dignity, and empowerment.

Healing Begins Here

The healing journey is not linear or easy. It asks us to be brave enough to look at the lies trauma taught us and the courage to rewrite our story. It’s about reclaiming our voice, our body, our power, and our worth. It’s about learning that love can be safe and real.

Final Words

You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Your story is worthy of healing. And though the scars of incest run deep, so does the possibility of restoration, freedom, and reclaiming your life in your power and purpose.

Love can be real. Power can be yours. Your body can be safe. Trust can grow. And you—beautiful soul—are worthy beyond measure.

As long as you want to keep walking this healing path, I’m here for you.