Incest trauma leaves scars that are often invisible to the world, but profoundly, excruciatingly real for the survivor. I know this because I once carried those invisible wounds in silence, believing that if I kept them hidden, I could avoid adding more chaos and shame to my life. But the awful paradox is that what we keep hidden controls us, much more than we realize.

At Holey House, I talk openly about the ways trauma leaves “holes” in our spirits, spaces where shame, fear, and overwhelm seep in and take up residence. Incest trauma, in particular, tears at the very foundation of our understanding of ourselves, of relationships, and of safety. It leaves us stranded, unsure of who we are, where we belong, or whether we can ever be whole.

The War Within

When incest occurs, the betrayal comes not only from the abuse itself, but from the violation by someone we trust, a caregiver, a family member, someone we should feel safest with. This kind of violation destroys our ability to gauge danger and to trust ourselves. It sets up a lifelong war within:

• The child’s need for connection vs. the danger within their own home.
• The growing suspicion that “I must be flawed or unworthy if someone who is supposed to protect me instead chose to harm me.”
• An internal dialogue made up of confusion, shame, guilt, rage, disbelief, and immense loneliness.

This war doesn’t diminish after the abuse stops, it evolves. Often, survivors carry these internal battles well into their adult lives. We become soldiers battling ghosts from our past, wondering if we can ever feel peace.

The Psychological Toll

The human mind is wired for survival. So when a child cannot physically escape a threatening caregiver, the mind finds a way to cope. This is where many survivors develop trauma responses, mechanisms that kept them alive then, but become obstacles to healing today. Some of these responses include:

Hypervigilance

Picture your nervous system constantly on high alert, always scanning for danger, always assessing for the nearest way out. This state drains your energy and dampens your ability to rest, connect, or appreciate the moment.

Hypervigilance shows up in many survivors as:

• An exaggerated startle response
• Always needing to know where exits are
• An unwillingness to let their guard down, even with people who care for them
• Anxiety, restlessness, and persistent muscle tension

Dissociation

When the abuse was ongoing or especially severe, dissociation often emerges as a way to detach from an untenable reality. This can manifest as:

• Feeling disconnected from your own body
• Numbness or “zoning out” during stress
• Memory gaps or difficulty recalling details
• A persistent feeling of unreality, as if you’re not quite alive, or not fully present in your own skin

Dissociation is a powerful and sophisticated survival strategy, but it comes at a price: the eventual inability to feel, connect, or process difficult emotions in a healthy way.

Chronic Self-Doubt and Inner Criticism

Some survivors grow up doubting their own perceptions, judgments, and even their own worth. This shows up as:

• Constantly wondering, “Did I make it up?”
• Fear that their memories aren’t trustworthy
• An oppressive, punitive internal dialogue, stating, “I’m bad, I’m worthless, I’m a mess, I’m to blame”

This persistent self-doubt further erodes self-confidence and a person’s ability to form healthy relationships.

The Emotional Toll

While the psychological effects are profoundly disorienting, the emotional injuries cut just as deep:

Deep Shame

One of the most painful effects of incest trauma is shame, the feeling that we ourselves are dirty, flawed, or less-than. This is a form of trauma-related shame, a false belief that we are the cause of the abuse instead of the victim.

This deep shame shows up in:

• An unwillingness to be vulnerable
• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• An internal story that says, “I’m not worthy of love or happiness”

Intense Grief and Loss

Every survivor mourns something, the childhood that was stolen, the relationships that will forever be disrupted, the opportunity to grow up without fear or suspicion. This kind of grief can feel overwhelming:

• Grief for the person you might have become if you hadn’t been injured in this way
• Grief for a family you wish you had, a family that was loving, protective, and safe
• Grief for a life that feels forged by trauma instead of by choice or opportunity

Rage and Suppressed Anger

Some survivors carry immense rage, a rage that is completely appropriate in light of what happened, yet find it difficult to connect with or safely release. Often, this rage:

• Turns inward, fueling self-destructive behaviors
• Is redirected toward relationships, causing conflict or withdrawal
• Is suppressed, adding additional stress to the nervous system and manifesting in health problems or chronic pain

The Cost of Silence

Silence lets the trauma flourish. Staying silent, whether due to shame, guilt, loyalty, or fear, prolongs the suffering. Without expression, understanding, or a path toward healing, these wounds seep into every corner of our lives:

• Our relationships suffer, while we struggle to trust or connect
• Our health deteriorates, manifesting in physical symptoms stemming from stress
• Our ability to pursue our passions or feel purposeful is stifled
• Our view of ourselves and our future grows increasingly pessimistic and restrictive

But when we break that silence, when we speak the truth in a safe space, we interrupt this trajectory. We enable healing to seep in alongside understanding, compassion, and eventual peace.

The Path Forward: Healing Is Possible

While healing from incest trauma is not easy, and it certainly is not a straight path, it IS possible. At Holey House, I believe in honoring the entirety of your experience while helping you grow toward renewal and transformation. Here are some gentle starting points for your healing process:

Name Your Experience

This is a powerful first step. So much confusion and shame comes from not naming what happened. Giving your experience a voice, whether in therapy, in a support group, in a journal, or even just to yourself, helps you move toward healing.

Seek Safe Spaces and Support

Safe spaces can be a lifeline. Support groups for survivors, trauma-informed therapists, or even close friends who can listen without judgment enable you to feel less isolated. Connection helps ease the nervous system’s alarm signals and lets you rest.

Consider Trauma-Specific Therapeutic Approaches

Evidence-informed methods for healing from trauma include:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) — to ease distress related to memories
• Sensorimotor Psychotherapy — to help you safely connect with your body’s experience
• Cognitive Processing Therapy — to aid you in reshaping trauma-related beliefs
• Internal Family Systems (IFS) — to enable you to care for injured or vulnerable internal “parts”

Release Suppressed Emotions

Finding healthy outlets for difficult emotions, through art, movement, journaling, or somatic practices, can ease their grip. Healing involves honoring your rage, your shame, your fear, and your profound sorrow, without letting them define you.

Create Meaning and Connection

One way survivors transform their suffering is by turning their healing into a path toward greater compassion and understanding for others. This might be mentoring, education, or simply honoring your own healing by choosing to break the generational chain of abuse.

You are Worthy of Healing

The trauma you carry is heavy, but it is not your entirety. Inside you lives a pure, resilient spirit, a self that was meant for peace, connection, creativity, and authenticity. Healing from incest trauma is a process of honoring that spirit, retrieving the parts that have been stranded in silence, and welcoming them back into your awareness.

If you are reading these words and see yourself here, know this: It was not your fault. You did not cause this. You do not deserve it.
And while you carry deep wounds, you also carry immense healing power, a power that can be fostered, supported, and grown. Healing is a process, not a moment, and you do not have to walk this path alone.

I see you. I honor your courage. And I walk this road with you, toward peace, renewal, and a future forged by your own choices instead of your past.